Reading “Uncovering Bliss: A Journey with a Vestibular Condition” by Em Englert
In honor of June as Migraine and Headache Awareness Month, I am writing about my illness, chronic vestibular migraine.
I hope that all of my fellow “vestibular warriors” have the opportunity to read this book. I almost exclusively listen to audio books now, saving my limited reading ability for household/kids’ needs and volunteer work. But after following Em Englert on Instagram, I knew that I needed to read about her vestibular journey. The book is a relatively fast read, where Em writes about her experience with vestibular neuritis and vestibular migraine. I had some of the same experiences as Em, including a long journey to a diagnosis (about 2.5 years for me), with disappointing encounters with some doctors. Our experiences also differed quite a bit. I took a different path than Em when it came to trying medications, and I was not able to keep working as she was.
When I got to the chapter titled “looking forward,” I was struck by the first sentence. Em says, “I think the memory of what life was like before the vestibular condition is the hardest part in the beginning. I was grasping for the past and it was slipping through my fingers. Sometimes I imagined that I would wake up and everything would go back to normal.” BOOM. This is spot on for me.
My wonderful therapist diagnosed me with adjustment disorder type depression after I developed chronic vestibular migraine in late 2013. According to Psychology Today, “[w]hen a stressful event in someone's life prompts a lengthy and extremely or excessively negative reaction, that person can be considered to be suffering from adjustment disorder, which is typified by anxiety[ and] difficulty moving forward . . . .” I continue to struggle with the loss of my career as an attorney, 6+ years into my illness. I fantasize about going back to work, dreaming about jobs that I can’t physically do. Volunteer work has always helped me deal with my illness. But, now that I have a second child, it is incredibly hard to fit in bits of volunteer work throughout the week, which was always my best strategy before children. I have had to scale back on my volunteer roles. And, due to the COVID-19 quarantine, I have been home with my boys without sitters or preschool to give me any free time. I’m in a rough spot, and it is reassuring to know that Em struggled as well.
In the last paragraph of the “looking forward” chapter, Em says “Heartache hurts, and I describe the experience of getting hit with a vestibular condition that way because it hurt my heart.” When describing adjustment disorder with a chronic illness, I’ve often said its like waking up every day with a broken heart. Like that feeling you have after breaking up with someone you love. Except it never goes away, and you can’t do the things you used to do to deal with those feelings because you are sick. I am still very much in the thick of my vestibular migraine journey. Although I have made progress with my first medication and am now able to do many regular, day to day activities and care for my children, I do not have days without symptoms like Em and other vestibular migraine sufferers that I follow on social media. I’ll admit, it is hard to read about those who’ve successfully recovered or found the contentment with their chronic illness lives that I am still searching for. But I’m grateful that Em shared her story with the world, and I think that anyone suffering from a vestibular condition will find it a worthwhile read.